I am always telling you about this feeling I’ve had since childhood, that there’s something I am supposed to be doing, some calling I am supposed to fulfill. And if you are following these blogs, you’ve heard over and over that I still have no idea what it is I am supposed to be doing. Not surprisingly, this makes me feel panicked and confused as I chase as many opportunities as possible, trying to find the one that fits. So far, none of them fit- at least I assume they don’t, because I still have the feeling. As you can imagine, I am more than a little frustrated.
The other day I made a list of things that I am good at, and things I like to do. The list paints a picture of someone who is creative, a good writer, has a passion for medicine and psychology, and loves to help others. Reading over the list, I realized that I am actually doing a lot of good right now. I work as a grant writer, trying to find funding for an organization that helps at-risk youth. I manage this You Part Two. I volunteer for the Medical Reserve Corps, which puts my public health and psychology training to good use. I am about to start volunteering for the American Red Cross at Walter Reed Military Medical Center. And I have ideas- some really good, big ideas for You Part Two. I don’t think small. My imagination knows no bounds, which is the result of many childhood years spent alone, entertaining myself. If I can just find a way to put my ideas into action, You Part Two will go in a pretty exciting direction.
I guess what I’ve discovered from this list is that maybe my purpose will be fulfilled if I just keep on doing the things I love. If I keep helping people in whatever small way I can, and keep finding ways to make my ideas a reality, then maybe all the searching I do will not be necessary anymore. Maybe I have been searching for things that I already possess. Maybe the emptiness I feel is from looking outside of myself for answers instead of having confidence in the person I am?
I encourage you to follow your instincts on your path to recovery, and find ways to trust yourself and the person you are becoming. Eating disorders have a way of stealing our identities and taking over our lives. Recovery affords us an amazing opportunity to find ourselves again and discover all the things we love. I think that’s what is finally happening for me- I am learning that everything I need is within me, and the person I am is capable of creating and doing great things.
The Calling,
