Over the past few months, I have been filled with anger, frustration and sadness. I have been unhappy at where I find myself in life personally, spiritually and in my career. I fell into a large hole in the sidewalk that is my life, and was unable to climb out of it. In the middle of my bout with anger, frustration and sadness I could not see how hard I was being on myself. I was caught up in wanting more than what I already have, and thinking that things would be so much better if my family just lived in another state, and if I had a better job and more money etc etc. I was caught up in thinking that the grass must be greener on the other side of the fence that was surrounding my life.
Last week I made a conscious decision to try to climb out of this hole I had created for myself, and to knock down those fences. I realized that I am the only person who could do this. I decided that my path to happiness and a more fulfilling life had to start with me. I did not want to set unattainable goals, because that would only lead to more unhappiness and failure. I started with something small: I painted my toenails. Silly as this may sound, this simple task put a smile on my face. I decided to restart my yoga classes that I had been sidelined from due to a chronic elbow injury. I also started working in my garden again. In addition, I have begun reading the writings of the Dalai Lama, and doing daily readings in Taoism.
Happiness starts within. We cannot allow ourselves to wait for another person, or material things to make us happy. I finally realized that the grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence, and if it is it is most likely fertilized with a healthy dose of B.S. Of course, there will be roadblocks along the way. That being said, last night I lost one of my cats to kidney disease. Some people might not understand the bond between a human and their pet, and say it’s only a cat, get over it. To me, pets embody everything that we as humans long to be: they are almost always happy, they are carefree and they love you unconditionally. As a recovering anorexic and bulimic I have always had a very difficult time with loving myself unconditionally. I hated my body and was constantly telling myself how awful and unworthy I was. I have travelled a long way in coming to the understanding that I cannot truly love others if I don’t love myself, and with it all of my faults and bad habits and quirks. I am not looking for more, but I am also not settling for less. I am finding it in myself to be grateful for the life I have been given, the family and the love that they give me, and for the ability to see beyond the limitations that we put upon ourselves to not be happy with what we have today.