“The saddest summary of life contains three descriptions: could have, might have, and should have.” – Unknown
I have learned to live my life without regrets. Yes, I wish I had made some difference decisions than I did, and I wish that I had had more guidance growing up. And as I grow, I have learned to do things differently.
However, I do wish that I do not have issues with food. For the majority of people, food is not an “issue” for them. They eat, they enjoy doing it, and they do not obsess about what it does to your body. Living with an eating disorder, even when in recovery is just not that simple.
Grocery shopping can be a nightmare sometimes. I buy plenty of food for my family, but when it comes to getting snacks and odds and ends that I might enjoy I become filled with anxiety. I recently had an enormous craving for Ben and Jerry’s. So, instead of just picking out the yummy flavor I wanted, I stood in front of the cooler for over 10 minutes. I debated with myself about what the pros and the cons were for getting a pint of ice cream. Do I deserve it? Yes, I told myself. Do I need it? The answer to that was obvious. NO!!! Don’t do it!!! I screamed at myself. What about some frozen yogurt instead? Back and forth I went. Did I let myself enjoy a pint? No, I didn’t. I would not let myself enjoy even a few spoonfuls of the stuff. I rarely ever eat dessert, and when I do I am usually full of remorse and self loathing. Yesterday I actually did eat a very small piece of chocolate cake with ice cream in celebration of a co-worker’s promotion. I felt so guilty afterwards. When I do indulge, I punish myself after. It may be weeks before I let myself enjoy dessert again.
I wish I didn’t look at food as the enemy. I will look at food, and say to myself ok we can only have so much because we don’t want to over do it. What I should be saying is I need it to nourish my body so I will remain healthy.