Being in recovery from anything is a long, difficult road. I never realized how difficult this is until I started thinking about my mother, and her seventeen years of sobriety that she fought for, every day of her life. I always thought it was an issue of mind over matter, and of willpower. I now know that it is so much more. Being able to admit you are powerless over whatever it is that is affecting you, and “letting go and letting God” handle your life is a huge part of it. I know that I am grateful for the fact that I somehow, miraculously avoided the disease of alcoholism that runs on both sides of my family. However, dealing with an eating disorder is no bowl of cherries, either.
When I am not obsessing over what it is that I do, or do not put into my body food wise, I do actually eat decently. But with that ability to eat decent, healthy meals comes a lot of guilt. Not only do I feel guilty about eating a normal size portion, I feel a tremendous amount of self loathing. I can only describe it as having the thought process that I should not have eaten that much, or maybe even anything at all. I know how ridiculous this sounds, because in reality my meal portions are not big at all. I know that my anxiety also makes this difficult, because sometimes I will hem and haw about whether I should eat. I will stand in front of the refrigerator or the pantry and just stare at the food. Sometimes I will eat, sometimes I will not. When I give in and finally eat something, the waves of guilt come crashing down on me. I tell myself that I gave in, and that I have no will power. This doesn’t always happen, and when it doesn’t and when I don’t have those negative feelings, sometimes I will feel good about my decision to eat. I wish that I felt that way more often. Right now, I am not having healthy thoughts. Thankfully, I have not reverted to my previous binge and purge behaviors, and I hope I never do.
Like my mother, I have admitted that I have a problem, and that I am powerless over that problem. I try to get through each day with a positive attitude. I know how easy it would be to give up the fight, and just hide behind my issues. For today, I am able to just be one step beyond that and sometimes that one step is all that matters.